Jamison — better

I wasn’t sure where to start but then it kind of just hit me all at once after getting off a phone call with one of my co-artists. I’ve been home “sick” today (August 31, 2022) and I put that in quotations because what that really means is I’ve overworked and overextended myself and my body literally said you need to rest and then it shut down.

My thoughts are coming faster than I can get them onto paper and this may be a little disjunct at first but it will all come together in the end, as everything almost always does. The music industry is so fickle, and this is nothing new; it’s definitely not new information for anyone who’s a part of it or has been a part of it. I’ve been having a lot of conversations about the music industry lately, both with friends and people who I haven’t talked to in years who reached out recently to congratulate me on my new single “Phone Sex” (go listen to the song because it’s probably not what you think it’s about) which is incredibly humbling. I have a lot of gratitude for where I’m at and where I’m going.

What I’ve realized lately, is that my relationship to the music industry and being a creative in it, is that it’s kind of like an abusive relationship (that’s a direct quote from a good friend and co-writer of mine). When things are going well, I feel amazing, I’m riding a total high. But when things are at a low point and my projects aren’t going as planned, or I’m “behind” or I don’t feel like I’m “doing as well” as my peers, I start to plummet emotionally and feel insecure and my mental health takes a huge dip and it seeps into every part of my life.

It’s wild how much emotional and mental influence my “status” has on how I see and feel about myself and my overall self-worth. Some days, I think/know I’d be happier if I completely separated myself from this industry, but it’s a gift I’ve been given for a reason and at the core of it all, I continue to have an undying passion for it. I wish this was talked about more because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. We hide it from each other and the public eye so that we seem put together, when in reality, every time I have a candid and honest conversation about this with another creative, we both feel incredibly validated and understood. What writing this makes me realize, is that it’s my responsibility to create a healthy environment and set healthy boundaries as I continue to navigate and be a part of the music industry.

This all coincides with where I’m at on what I call my healing journey too. Recently, I’ve decided to stop dating for 3 months. It’s a bit of a personal topic, but I’ve been in some kind of relationship without pause since my early 20s and I am 31 now. It’s amazing how much reflection and introspection I’ve gained and it’s only been 6 weeks. Taking a pause (they talk about this in mental health and radical acceptance) can do wonders. What service are we to ourselves and those we love if we cannot be present and healthy for ourselves first?

The music industry is also like that — who are you really making music for? Is it for you or someone else? Because if it’s not for you first, you’re going to feel it. Just the other day I wrote a chorus that came so easily and when I sat down to write the rest, I ended up writing tons of lyrics and melodies in a three hour time span that just weren't working and I felt so frustrated. I realized it wasn’t working because I was trying to write it in someone else’s image, envisioning Zedd feat. a top 40 artist singing it, even though it was my lived experience. The amount of living I’ve been doing for other people by choice (they didn’t ask me to) has delayed me taking the time to work on myself. And while I wish I could have come to that conclusion sooner, we can only live in the now.

I am not a religious person, but I’ve always been spiritual, yet a little bit apprehensive and unsure how to get there and really connect. Since I started my healing journey a few months ago, I’ve been praying a lot lately and noticing that whatever I need enters into my life and whatever I don’t need (toxic people and negative energy) is removed by my higher power. The trust I’m nurturing both in myself and with God has taken so much pressure off of me. This applies to every aspect of my life — Love, Music, Career, Friendship, etc.

When I started to believe that whatever is meant for me will come into my life and whatever is not will be taken away, I’ve felt more at peace, consistently, for the first time in my life. My whole life I’ve tried to control the outcome, the narrative, and all that ever did was make me anxious and fearful. Chasing and trying to force things into existence only ever ended up hurting myself. I didn’t want to “fail” so I rose to challenges that weren’t mine to champion. My pride and ego often took over. Now I surrender. I also only align myself with those who make an effort to be a part of my life and whose values and energy match my own. When they don’t, I notice it in my body almost immediately (it manifests as insecurity and anxiety) and now I choose to walk away. I read a quote once that said not everybody is for everybody, and I’ve accepted that includes me too.

Musically, my collaborative artist project has been amazing. It’s opened so many doors and allowed me to share my art in a way I’ve always wanted to without being the “artist” in the traditional sense. I compare myself to Benny Blanco, but instead of my primary role being a producer, my primary role is being the songwriter first, then co-producer/vocal producer.

What draws people to my music, is me, and that’s so freaking cool. My lyrics are my most valuable asset and what people often comment on when they like or praise my music. It’s the most flattering compliment you can give to me because I value words and lyrics above all else when I listen to music. I always have. From Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, the Red Hot Chili Peppers to now Halsey, Sasha Sloan, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Fletcher, and Julia Michaels, lyrics are everything to me.

While I love that I’ve finally found a way to express my art that feels authentic to me, it also has its challenges having to rely on so many people. I’ve always had that challenge as a pure songwriter. Luckily, I’ve found people who are as quick and reliable and consistent as myself, but we’re all busy doing multiple different things inside and outside of music and sometimes it doesn’t come together as quickly as I would like. That’s the piece that leads to the insecurity and anxiety and that’s when I have to remind myself to trust and let it happen when it’s meant to.

I try not to take anything personally anymore. Like I said earlier, it always comes together. It’s the balance between patience and persistence and while all of that is getting worked out, you have to keep living your life and focusing on yourself. I’ve learned that being adaptable and flexible are invaluable qualities in general but especially in this industry.

All of this to say, I have so much to be grateful for. I am grateful for the unconditional love and support from my parents, I am grateful for my friends and the consistency and loyalty they bring into my life, I am grateful for my co-writers, co-creators, and co-artists for trusting me with their art and vice versa, I am grateful for my roommate who keeps me grounded and holds me accountable spiritually and otherwise, I am grateful to have a job and a roof over my head, and I am grateful for my cats because they bring me comfort, joy, laughter and love. I am also grateful for mistakes I’ve made and the lessons learned from them.

Most importantly, I am grateful for my health. I don’t want to speak for everyone but I’ll bet a lot of people can relate and agree when I say we often forget how valuable health is until it’s compromised. Once it is, everything else becomes trivial. I also feel that way when I lose or misplace things that are meaningful or sentimental to me. In those moments, I am truly reminded of what’s important and what isn’t. Everything else can wait and nothing is more valuable than your health, both physical and mental. Stay inspired, stay humble, and stay healthy. Everything else will fall into place if you let it.

Love,

Jamison

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