Driving Through My Healing Journey

I got my driving license at 18 years old. 

I then stopped driving for a very very long time (at least 10 years) because at the time, I was driving with my dad. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough, he would yell and get stressed for no reason. So it made me lose my confidence, but it also made me scared of driving and honestly, I just didn't want to drive anymore because I felt like I wasn't good enough. So I stopped. I struggled with this idea of not being good enough for so long, and it comes from my family, mostly from my dad. I did stop talking to him during middle school and high school. I couldn't stand what he made me feel. 

As the years passed, I'd always feel bad when my friends had to pick me up to go somewhere. All my friends and family were driving except for me. I always felt like I was behind everyone else because I wasn't driving. It's a burden that I had to carry for so long, and I just felt like it was time to stop this nonsense. I want to be able to drive my friends around, I want to go to my friend's house, I want to go to the store by myself, I want to go to another town. 

I want to drive. I need to drive.

A week ago, my dad asked if I wanted to drive again with him. He did ask a few years before, but I'd always find an excuse or I would say no. I guess I wasn't ready. Years have passed and I've worked sooo hard on my anxiety and on myself these past few months, so I decided to give it a go. I was (and still am) nervous but I've been gaining confidence pretty easily and I actually love driving. But still, my dad is still the same person who would get angry and stressed out. He still makes me fee like I am not good enough. So it's been really hard for me mentally and emotionally. I am still motivated and I still want to improve. And you're going to ask me "why do you drive with your dad?". Well, he's the only person available at 6am (I drive super early as I am re-learning everything again, and trying to get all the confidence I need before being able to drive during the day) and he still wants me to improve. He means well, I know it. But man, that is tough. 

This morning I realized that I may have to drive by myself to gain all that confidence back, without having anyone stressing me out or getting angry at me. He's a very anxious person and never knew how to deal with it. I get that. But he doesn't realize how hard it is for me to be sitting next to him. (And of course communication with him won't work because he will definitely get on the defensive). The mental work I have to do on myself every time I have to drive next to him is absolutely insane. I actually talk to myself out loud while driving and telling myself all the instructions and I keep telling myself to "stay calm". I take deep breaths every time he overwhelms me. My motivation has become too big, I want to keep up despite the situation. I know I'm capable of doing it. I finished my first week of driving (with him) today and I feel so proud of myself (even though I did get mad once I got home). 

I give myself another week of "training" and thank God, one of my best friends is going to drive with me and help me figure out the last few things I need. Then I guess I will have to keep driving. 

Celebrating my progress has been very hard because on one hand, I did feel very proud of myself every day for doing it, but on the opposite, I felt like shit because my dad made me feel like I wasn't good enough. BUT. Despite all of that, I stayed focus and calm. I am not here to fix anybody. I am here to fix myself. As I said before, I've worked so hard on myself these past couple of months (even years), I don't want to go back to where I was. From now on, I am moving forward. The focus is me, and me only. I am in charge of my own life. 

The crazy thing about all of this is that I also found inner peace with other past situations: a cousin who made me feel small, and a "friend" who simply found a man and abandoned me. I still carried some kind of anger towards these situations. But this last week unlocked something in me. Ever since I started driving again, I felt like all these emotions and traumas were finally leaving my body. I did cry a lot today. At first, I didn't know why I was crying. But then I realized it was because I was proud of myself, and all these negative emotions were finally out of my body. 15 years of anger, anxiety, stress and sadness. They finally disappeared. I am finally healing. 

I am relieved. But I also can't believe it took me that long. I'm 38 years old and it feels like this is a brand new chapter for me. I guess it's never too late to face your demons. It's never too late to work on yourself. 

I am truly grateful for my life and for all the lessons I've learned along the way. 

Healing takes time, but every step is worth it. I am no longer defined by my past, but by the courage I choose today. If I can do it, so can you. It’s never too late to reclaim your life, your peace, and your freedom.